Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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