that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
are you so shy because you have an std?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
