Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
