Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
