Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
