So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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