census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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