Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
