I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
