i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
