I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
