Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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