so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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