dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
