saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
