I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
