Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
