can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
There's always time for handjobs
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
