i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
