Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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