I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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