What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
