this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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