pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
