god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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