I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Drunk walkin through police station. America
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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