I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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