You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
