4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
