His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
