The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
