no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
