If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
