I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
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