I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
