moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I AM VODKA MAN
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
