I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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