he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
