No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
