I wish life had little blips of pornography
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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