I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
