i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
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