I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
