There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
