YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
