just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
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