I want to have your abortion
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
