her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
