i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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