Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
