i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
