Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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