the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
